An Approach to Changing Behavior

We have the following mindset and approach when we interact with our kids with the desire to change …

{Clarification: When I speak of relationships and connection – I am not talking about the structure vs. relationship debate. They are both vital and important. The relationship is the foundation and the structure is the framework. The best way to think of it is as relational structure.}
  • Relationship/Connection is the key and must be prioritized above everything else.
  • Relationships are built at the speed of trust. Trust can’t be forced. It is earned over time when I consistently let you experience that I have your best intentions at heart. When I desire to protect your heart in the relationship you know I care about (love) you. It requires vulnerability from both parties.
  • Honor is when I choose to respect you and protect the value of who you are.
  • The amount of influence (leadership) I have on you is directly proportional to the strength of our relationship connection. I am here to influence those I am responsible for and help them develop towards success in becoming a powerful person.
  • I desire & equip everyone to be Powerful People. A Powerful Person:
    • Takes responsibility for their life and choices.
    • Can be who they say they are on a consistent basis regardless of circumstances.
    • Controls themselves.
    • Does not try to control other people
    • Consciously and deliberately creates the environment they want to live in.
    • Refuses to be a victim of others.
    • Doesn’t just let life happen, they make it happen.
    • Requires others to be powerful around them.
    • Will always choose to do what is right no matter what the other person does or says.
  • Trust is the only way to lead people to freedom in such a way that personal responsibility comes to the surface. People want to be trusted and they want to be free.
  • I must cultivate a safe, trusting place by expressing freedom through love. When you don’t feel safe, it’s likely that you will become dangerous by allowing fear to start directing your behavior instead of love.
  • Fear and love are enemies.
    • Everyone functions from either a place of love or fear. Love not only casts out the fear; it brings security, safety, and peace. We must make love the source of all we do.
    • Fear causes many problems such as: mistrust, disconnection, and self-preservation due to our natural fight or flight response. Because fear impacts our thinking and decision-making in negative ways it leaves us unable to act appropriately.
    • When leading others – fear blocks our ability to influence them.
  • How much freedom you are given is determined by how well you manage your freedom. It’s your responsibility to learn how to manage your freedom well (self-control).
  • Empowerment through love (caring relationships) is how you rise above your mistakes and issues (develop yourself & grow).
  • When conflicts arise & confrontation is necessary, the desire to protect the relationship as a priority will provide the chance for real communication to occur.
  • When I value (love) you above the issue, our true needs can be uncovered. Then we have the opportunity to meet those needs for each other and continue the cycle of trust.
  • I control me. I don’t control you. You control you. I can teach you how to control yourself, but I can’t control you. I will tell you what I’m going to do (consequences), but I can’t force you to do anything. The question is “What are you going to do about it?” It’s your choice.
  • Healthy Goals of Confrontation (& feedback) are:
    1. To introduce consequences into a situation in order to teach and strengthen.
      • Consequences must replace punishment.
      • Punishment is the attempt to control another person when they fail. Punishment causes fear and destroys relationships. Punishment is not necessary when you learn that the priority when you fail is restoring the relationship first followed by cleaning up the mess (fixing/making things right) rather than punishment.
      • Failure causes consequences…healthy confrontation leads and empowers you to clean up your mess. Personal responsibility and ownership for your choices and the consequences are required.
    1. To bring to the surface what you forget about yourself after you have failed.
      • Shame and guild are a trap towards powerlessness. Show hope and truth about the positive growth options available.
    2. To send an invitation to strengthen the relational bond
      • Trust is the key to a successful confrontation.
      • When anxiety rises, our priority in the encounter shifts to self-preservation, usually by means of seeking to control each other.
    3. To apply pressure strategically in order to expose areas needing strength and grace.
      • It’s about going deeper so we know what is really wrong so it can be fixed. Great questions start the internal journey that lead people to encounter truth.
      • Great Questions:
        • Stimulate thinking within you about the problem.
        • Allow you the opportunity to do most of the thinking about the problem from the inside out.
        • Help you tap into your greatness and put it on display during the confrontation.
        • Remind you of things you tend to forget about yourself in the failure.
        • Demonstrate the relationship between us.
        • Allow me to remain the ally
  • When Love, Trust, Honor, and Connections are High within healthy relationships then fear, distrust, and disrespect are low. This bring about an environment of security, safety, and peace where we all have the ability and freedom to become the best possible version of ourselves. It’s a powerful force for change!

Hopefully, this has persuaded you enough to see how we can create a powerful force for positive change. Now, please re-read this from another perspective…

**In a workplace, we must have the same mindset and approach when supervisors interact with employees…any relationship where confrontation/feedback must occur (start over) **

{Thanks to Danny Silk @ for providing the ideas and concepts that work. For more information on Keeping Your Love on go to}


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